I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So squirting runs in the family.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
