I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
