let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
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you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
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He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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