i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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