Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am midnight drunk by noon
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
