I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
