found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
