You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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