I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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