and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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