I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
