I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
my liver is dry heaving
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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