Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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