I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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