I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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