When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
