Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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