she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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