I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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