he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
