better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
