i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
