listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I look better un-naked...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
