You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
