Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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