She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
