mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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