i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
