I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
