if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
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The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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