hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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