I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We're too hungover to prance.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
