You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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