We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
