oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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