I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
