I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
How does one acquire holy water?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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