Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
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Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
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i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted