i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.