take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
