You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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