i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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