My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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