On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
