nut hugger
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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