i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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