You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
