i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
