my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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