Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
