this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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