Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
