I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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