The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
