this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
