this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
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