Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
